agxntwarren:

[text]:I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
meme; texts from last night. [ x

status: accepting. 

                                                Message ; Mike.

                                     [ reply ]        [ delete ]        [ forward ]  

 ] Because I had better things to be doing, dear. The last thing I wished to do in the early hours of the morning is pick up some drunk and disorderly idiot. —— { R♏♚ }

                 Sent: 9.17am

Texts from Last Night inspired text starters [nsfw and sfw]

[text]: I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
[text]: I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
[text]: We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
[text]: I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
[text]: two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
[text]: I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
[text]: Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
[text]: According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
[text]: You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
[text]: I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
[text]: What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
[text]: Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
[text]: YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
[text]: Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
[text]: I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
[text]: I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
[text]: You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
[text]: I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
[text]: I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
[text]: Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
[text]: A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
[text]: OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
[text]: Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
[text]: Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
[text]: I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
[text]: I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
[text]: Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
[text]: I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
[text]: Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
[text]: I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
[text]: When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
[text]: Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
[text]: i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
[text]: That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
[text]: I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
[text]: I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
[text]: Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
[text]: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
[text]: Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
[text]: Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
[text]: I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
[text]: She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
[text]: We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
[text]: So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
[text]: That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
[text]: I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
[text]: Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
[text]: Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
[text]: I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
[text]: Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
[text]: I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
[text]: How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
[text]: Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
[text]: I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
[text]: You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She moves a goddess, and she looks a queen. —Homer, The Iliad (Poetic Interpretation by Alexander Pope)  (via camilla-macauley)

eternalviking:

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     Her blood tasted like everything he once knew
                   Honey and wheat and lilies and ginger and everything
                   well and good about the way the world used to be, the
                   way it used to smell.  He has no choice but to moan
                   against her skin, and it’s not for wont of trying.  

   He takes enough long pulls of her blood,
   not too much, but enough that she may
   feel light headed.  He has no choice —
                                       he was starving.

           ❝ I have fed enough from you…  I don’t trust myself. ❞

He pulls away, using his tongue to lick the wounds gently
  to seal them, not a drop of blood spared or spilled. 

                                         ❝ Thank you, Regina. ❞

      The sensations were neither uncomfortable or enjoyable
       a simple mixture between the two of them that created it’s 
       own feeling. Her eyes were closed, focusing on helping the
       vampire as opposed to whatever pain she may feel. Right now
       she did careabout herself. Eric needed her support and she was 
       providing him with whatever she could. 

                       Hopefully her blood was enough. 

       A woozy state of mind took over her, although she ignored it, 
       a simple gasp leaving parted lips as all of the sensations ended. 
       Hazel orbs opened to focus on the blonde male, her wrist lifting
       to her chest, balled up into a fist.

                         Do you feel any better, Eric?
                         Did my blood help?

fxllingisntgraceful:

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                     For a q-queen, you have a rather vulgar tongue you know?

      Perhaps that’s why they call me the Evil Queen, hm?

ooc;; i’ve got some really PREACHING jesus-lover rambling on about my sins on facebook bc i’m gay and i’m just sassing the fuck out of him bc hell no sister, i ‘aint having none of this homophobic bullshit. 

       i don’t have anything against religious people, 
       just don’t bring me all up into your beliefs. 

girlbehindthebar:

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     ”As if I could trade out pink for mucky green.”
     She nearly stuck her tongue out at the idea
     of such a thing.

Lips spread into a smile. “Oh I think that can be
arranged. After all…those hands look like they can do…”
A pause to bite her bottom lip in a seductive manner.

     ”…sensual things.”

       The little lip bite that Sookie provided her with
        caused Regina’s own lips to form a smirk. Damn
        Sookie and her intoxicating charm.

                        You know more than anybody how sensual
                        they can be, dear. If I recall, they’ve been the
                        source of many of your orgasms.

cagcd:

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oh, but his eyes are usually what
get him into trouble. he has a case
of 'wandering eyes' you see.

          well———— how about i pay for
           the dry cleaning? would that
           make up for it? 

       No, you know what, it doesn’t matter
       I’d hate for you to break into your little
       piggy bank just for me.

                    Her sarcasm is so damn obvious.

               ❝——- You can buy me a drink instead.

cagcd:

c l o s e d -- queenxregina

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          that not my fault——— and if you feel
           that it was, then i sincerely apologize. 

        You bumped right into me and knocked boiling
        hot coffee all down my new coat. 

                  ———- How can you possibly say that 
                  it wasn’t your fault. You have eyes, don’t you?

girlbehindthebar:

image

     ”Ew, no. It’s spa night. And no, not like teenage
     girls do at sleepovers although if you want to do
     my nails, have at it.”

         Spa night? Thank god for that. I was starting 
          to think that you’d changed your makeup routine.

                        ———- Perhaps I could offer you a nice 
                        back massage, hm? I could relieve some 
                        of that stress.

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